Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconsuppressedoceans: More from SuppressedOceans


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
August 25, 2012
File Size
2.6 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
449
Favourites
23 (who?)
Comments
7
×
There is glitter on my fingertips,
As they stroke across the page,
Its all black and red to you,
But I see it glimmer and form.

She didn't have to make that joke,
As it cut into my trusting heart,
Black, yes, everything is black,
This is why I stay silent.
That was a secret she laughed about.
And you laughed too,
"I'm used to it."

He won't leave my dreams,
And I can never sleep.
Lets wash this blood red marker,
away in the sink.
This is why I am insomniac.
The bullet noise forever imprinted in my mind.
You just smile,
"Well, he's in a better place now."

She never had to use my life against me,
Those low blows don't bring her above me.
Shade and shade until the right hue is made.
This is why I stay in my room,
Hide away in a book,
I hate being a disappointment to her.
But you, "She's not so bad."

It doesn't ever stop calling to me,
That little tiny  object,
But self-destruction has torn us apart.
This is why you are no longer apart of me.
Lets erase this dark line away.

The mirror is distorted,
That might have something to do with me,
But you are beautiful, yes, but not me.
Oh, the black smudged into the red,
Let's just smudge it all.

If only they loved each other,
I wish he would stop using,
Find a job, a home, and stop nearly dying,
Its a horrible mistake!
I hate it all! ERASE ERASE ERASE!!

Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think,
But I didn't agree,
It was his choice, maybe I am just weak.
I am weak,
Here's a pencil, lets fix this mess.

She's slipping away everyday,
Why isn't there some way,
Soon she will forget my name,
Lie in a hospital bed and say,
"What a beautiful daughter I have."
But I am your grandchild...
This ink will swirl around the page.

I stare at him,
He's all from the original story I have left.
This drawing is mine. This drawing is partially his.
Bound by blood, little brother is my solid ground.

This drawing is my story.
No one understands it, and neither do you,
But I do, I am not the mask.
We didn't create this, I did.
This is why you don't see the glitter on the page.
Every drawing is my pain.
This is how my art is made.  
Art.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Student Writer
And what art it is! The speaker's method of narration is at once both clear and evocative, in a lilting kind of way.
Reply
:iconsuppressedoceans:
SuppressedOceans Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Student Writer
It almost feels ironic to offer a critique on piece where the voice of the piece insists the perception and the actual value (emotionally) cannot be deciphered by those looking upon it - only those value reveal themselves to the artist on a personal level. Regardless, I felt that there were many enjoyable elements within this piece to merit a much more precise look into it.

Two things that go hand in hand are the free verse structure and the tone of this piece. Both compliment each other well as they both dramatize the emphasis of the voice of the piece as both allow for a free-flowing of ideas. The way the information is spread throughout the piece leads to a clear sort of podium for the concerns and beliefs of the speaker to be heard from. Free verse also allows for a more comfortable release of ideas, as shown in this piece, which allows for you to make a better connection with your audience.

The speaker's tone though is a bit different as it feels a bit under-appreciated - maybe even as much a wounded by careless ogling by a claimed crowd of "purists." This shows some contempt, but with the free verse adding lines and grievances, as well as explanations, readers are able to like the speaker better. Without a connection, one both believable and respectable, the position of the speaker is weakened. Here, the examples flow out and the audience has time to digest and understand the overall argument raised.

Transitioning was not much of a problem either as their segmentation and carry-over between stanzas was done rather cleanly. One thing I may question a bit, from the standpoint of precision and standardized rules, are a few liberties taken with the piece. It seemed that the section with, "... erase... ," was written a bit harshly. I don't think you will need any revision, it was just one of the overly dramatic sections that may have been emphasized without some unorthodox phrasing. I might also suggest reviewing some of the punctuation as the addition of too many prepositional sort of phrases do tend to wear on the average audience. In this form I see no true problems with them - merely it can be a bit more flowery than some may come to expect. Just a few things to ponder as you read through this work again in the future.

Overall you did a nice job of presented the case and making a likable voice for your audience to appreciate. Reading through this piece was quite delightful - thank you for sharing it with the group.

- Ben M. Walls
Reply
:iconsuppressedoceans:
SuppressedOceans Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for your feedback :)
Reply
:iconohio-writer:
ohio-writer Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Student Writer
You are most welcome.
Reply
:iconairee-black:
airee-black Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love you
Reply
:iconsuppressedoceans:
SuppressedOceans Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love you too <3
Reply
Add a Comment: